McCain vs. Obama - DANCE OFF

Cleeseblog

John Cleese has got a blog! Hurrah!Well worth popping over to hear his thoughts on Palin the parrot and read about silly interviewers.

Miff update: she has caught a mouse! A small headless corpse was found on the sitting room floor. Well done Miff.

However, she is now being bullied by a very ballsy squirrel. I came out into the garden and discovered Miff hiding behind a large pot of cyclamen whilst the squirrel glared menacingly at her. The stand-off lasted two and a half minutes, then Miff bolted. The squirrel sauntered right past me, paused to jiggle its tail before bounding neatly onto the garden table.

It looked to me as if it was smirking.

UPDATE: The little bastard has been helping itself to my tulip bulbs. It will rue the day.

Weather update: Dire. We're all going to drown.

I have noticed a correlation between depressing economic and meterological news and having the urge to make enormous hearty casseroles.

Does anyone else do this or is it just me?

Back again

Hello,

Back again after six weeks off. It's nice to have breaks. Sometimes you need to just switch off and do your own thing. Anyway, here's what I've been up to, for those who are interested.

August: went to Turkey for 2 weeks with J, read a lot, chilled a lot, went to the Turkish baths a lot, turned extremely brown. Came back, had another week at home with J. Bliss. He went back to work, and I took the last week of the month off. Did a load more reading and gardening, planting flowers in memory of Mum, who died in late August last year. Being quiet. You know how it is.

September: I was invited to New York to address the UN on terrorism. Yes, really.
I know, crikey, eh? It was a great honour and an incredible experience.

(This is why I took down some posts at the end of July, by the way. I didn't want the Un and Foreign Office bigwigs to check the blog and find a load of personal lightweight stuff about me lazing about in a bikini and reading novels. Or posts containing lots of swearing. )

Here I am at the UN ( red jacket). Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is in the middle of the picture. I sat at a table with him, his wife, Columbian hostage Ingrid Betancourt and some other amazing people.

Interesting random fact about the UN: you can't smoke indoors in NYC, or in any public area, but you CAN smoke in the UN bars and meeting halls. This is because the UN is 'international territory'and not subject to NYC law. So, yes, I availed myself of the facilities repeatedly, as it was all quite nerve-wracking.
Security was very, very tight withthe guests and attendees only announced on the day (which is why I couldn't write about it before I went.) It was an extraordinary occasion, personally convened by the Secretary General to consider the needs of victims of terrorism worldwide - the first time the UN had ever done anything like this. One of the problems had been that the UN was historically unable to agree on a definition of terrorism. We pushed for a UN Declaration of the Rights of Victims of Terrrorism. 18 people directly affected by terrorism, who had a record of working with victims and being an activist/advocate, plus international experts - many of whom had been victims of terrorism themselves - were asked to address the UN. It was harrowing, but inspiring to hear people's testimony. I hope that the UN's new focus in this area makes a difference - the actions of terrorists blight lives all over the world and too many people get no help at all in the aftermath. The webcast is here .

I have written an article about the symposium and will post it up later, when I can find it. (I'm on J's laptop as mine has given up the ghost. Thank God I put the book manuscript on a memory stick before disaster struck)

Unfortunately, there wasn't much time to explore New York as it was pretty much all work - I arrived on Sunday 7th September late afternoon, after an 8 hour flight, met some other delegates for drinks, went to bed at 10pm ( 3am for me) and woke up at 4am NY time - it's five hours ahead over there and I never did manage to get used to it. On Monday 8th I went to Ground Zero to pay my respects, then straight into rehearsal all day, followed by the dinner with Ban Ki-Moon, Tuesday 9th was the Symposium, and on Wednesday 10th I flew home after meeting my friend for a quick burger and beer at lunchtime in an Irish bar opposite the hotel.

I'd have loved to have stayed longer in New York, but it was my best friend's wedding in Shakespeare's church in Stratford upon Avon the next day. Wet - it poured down all day - but wonderful, with wild dancing at the reception. The next day was my sister's birthday party. Which had a red-neck theme, bales of straw, line-dancing and pin-ups of trailer homes.

And after that week I was pretty much shattered - the lack of sleep and the jetlag hit, big-time - and there just didn't seem to be time for blogging. Campaigning for various things went on, behind the scenes, and when I wasn't doing that, I indulged my hopeless addiction to the US Elections coverage.

I think I may turn this blog over to US Election comment for the next few weeks. It has taken over my brain. I even dream about it. I am an Obamanerd. It has got really quite sad. If you've not been following it, here's a round up of some of the most interesting bits.

1. The Republican Convention in one minute

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

2. The first Presidential debate in one minute

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

3. And finally, the wonderful Sara Benincasa, who has been running a Governor Palin vlog. Here, Governor Palin is possessed by Satan during rehearsals for the Vice-Presidential Debate.


P.S: You can see the preceeding video, JESUSCHRIST! here - which is even funnier - and follow the whole Palin vlog story from the beginning on Youtube. New Palin videos can now be found at 23/6.com

It's good to be back. What have you been up to?

Friday Failed Ferrets

You have to watch this

Graffitti snails and tank-cakes

Have you ever wondered how to graffiti a snail?
How to bake a cake that is a tank with a moving turret?
Make a bicycle window box?
Turn a Pringles tube into a portable golf hole?
Make Elf ears in 5 minutes?
What about making a pneumatic Pirate cannon?
Or de-shelling a raw egg without using your hands?

Well, now you can find out ( hat tip, urban).

It has been chucking it down all morning so I have been amusing myself on the internet whilst J plays GTA4. Now it has finally stopped raining, I might go to the festival in Victoria Park. Or work out how to use the new oven, which J has switched on only for a strange chemical smell to appear. I can't remember when I last cooked something in a functioning kitchen. I hope the Kitchens Direct fitter reappears at some stage since now the dishwasher doesn't work and there are still planks of wood everywhere. Still, the hob works so we had boiled eggs.

I hope you are also having an amusing bank holiday weekend. I will write something serious and political soon - I've still got the Sunday papers to plough through - but right now I'm just enjoying the relief of reading some truly daft stuff on the internet; some of the stuff I've seen has been so bonkers and had me laughing so hard that J put down the controls at one point and rushed in to see if I was choking. Reading reviews of last night's Eurovision contest reminded me all over again of how good last night was: my sister and two mates came over and we all scored so high on the Eurovision game that we ended up drinking a lot of white wine very fast indeed - then a bottle of champagne - which is why both J and I are having an extremely quiet day today.

Eurovision!

Time to play the game again....( originally featured in 2006 on this blog and also in the Guardian)

This year's refreshed categories...score 1 ONLY if they appear during a song performance. Multiple appearance of characteristic still only counts as one, scoring during songs only, not links. Easiest way to play is to write on bits of paper and pull out of a hat.

1. Fake tan
2. Glitter
   
3. Wet-look hair
4. Stripping off
   
5. High kicks
6. Gypsy Violin
7. House/disco drum beats
8. Inadvertent flashing
   
9. V.P.L
10. Sudden tempo change i.e. from ballad to heavy rock
    
11. Leg warmers
    
12. Fancy dress i.e. pirates, monsters etc.
13. Peasant/Folk drumming live on stage
    
14. Musicians singing along
    
15. Dry ice
16. Overt homosexual undercurrent/gender-bending
17. Wind machine
18. Violence
19. Flag waving (audience doesn't count)
20. Over-use of crotch
21. Random person in national costume on stage
22. Children/animals on stage
23. Use of elderly person
24. Fireworks
25. Rapping
26. Mid-song costume changes
27. Kilts/school uniform
28. Ballet
29. Cloaks
30. Mullets WITH white suits

Good luck!

UPDATE: The Sunday Times picks through the politics and the sequins

Sock-puppets always make me laugh

Sock-puppets. I love them, they always make me laugh. Whether they are the online version, or the more traditional kind.
So I was chuffed no end when I found this great video by the Polyphonic Spree of a fantastic Nirvana tune today. It works on so many levels, and I had to share it immediately.

I'm so happy. Cause today I found my friends.
They're in my head...




And now I'm off to the pub.
Have a great weekend.

Spot the fake smile

This was interesting.

How did you do with the test?

Death Star Canteen

Hello, I'm, back from Preston visiting the in-laws. I've read all the frankly woo-woo comments in the moderation queue, left by conspiraloons demanding *free speech for holocaust deniers. To which I reply: Nope, no chance, not on my personal blog. Instead, I decided, hey people, perhaps it would be more fun to put this up instead. Because, you know, guys, life is short - often unexpectedly so. And we all need a laugh. And stuff. And sometimes I can't be arsed: so hey, yeah, whatever, send me stupid anonymous messages but don't expect them to be published. Or read. Actually, don't bother. Anonymous comment facility is off.

Oh, and while we're at it

You gotta Rick-roll with it

Iain Dale has just reminded me...
I wondered what the flip was going on when I kept getting Rick rolled - now the internet phenomenon has PWNED the zeitgeist.

Channel 4 explains

Rickrolling involves creating an internet link that purports to be on one topic but in fact takes browsers through to another altogether - a YouTube video of Astley in full flow.

Victims of the jape so far mainly include other music videos, but its most famous uses were in sending up the Church of Scientology and the New York Mets baseball team.

It is claimed that over 13 million people have seen the video for Never Gonna Give You Up thanks to the Rickrolling phenomenon.

BBC on the Astley tribute flash mob
Sunday Times on the whole silly saga.
More here

And now this...Lord, help us.

Something Good 08

I remember this first and second time around ( Kate Bush original, Utah Saints remix). The video can't help but leave you smiling. Happy weekend.

Seven Good Things

Justin at Chicken Yogurt has U-turned on his previous policy of meme-killing, the inconsistent scoundrel, and tagged me to come up with seven things which are positive. His own list includes Fred Astaire, battenburg cake and organ donation.

So here you go, in no particular order.
1. LOL cats (If you don't know what LOLcats are, Wiki explains here. I got slightly obsessed with them six months ago and it is still sadly going on)
2. The LOLcat Bible translation project.
3. The LOLcat SOCPA project
4. Porn by Girls For Girls ( SFW)
5. Go Barack! \o/
6. Gorilla diary
7. That wonderful badger programme

Okay, I'm tagging bagelmouse, the Poet Laureate, einekleinenichtmusik, Henry North London, Andy Ramblings, Chip ( or Ed), and Mark F.

Story of the week....

Pc Emerson-Thomas wanted first go in the van because it was fitted with a new radio, the jury was told.

Prosecutor Mark Spackman said: "The incident began in what can only be described as a petty squabble over who was driving the police van that evening.

There was a cut which may have been caused by the signet ring Emerson-Thomas was wearing Mark Spackman, prosecuting

"The sergeant told Pc Bartlett to take the van but the defendant was a bit upset about it and he asked Pc Bartlett if he could have it.

"Pc Bartlett simply got up and picked up the keys from the board then sat down at a table to drink a cup of tea.

"He went to pick up the cup of tea and Pc Emerson-Thomas punched his arm causing it to spill over the table and himself."

The trial heard Pc Bartlett picked up a paper towel to clean up the spilled tea.

But Pc Emerson-Thomas was accused of using other towels to wipe the tea down his colleague's arm.

Mr Spackman said: "Emerson-Thomas then shoved the paper towels into Pc Bartlett's face."

The incident happened at Fairwater police station in Cardiff

The court was told that other officers had told them to stop but Pc Emerson-Thomas then lashed out at Pc Bartlett with his fist and hit his eyebrow.

"It was a hard punch and knocked the contact lens out of his eye," said Mr Spackman.

"There was a cut which may have been caused by the signet ring Emerson-Thomas was wearing."

Pc Emerson-Thomas was sent home from the station and he has been suspended since.

The court heard that the men had worked together for five months but there had never been any animosity. They had also known each other for four years.

More

A land called Paradise

In December 2007, over 2,000 American Muslims were asked what they would wish to say to the rest of the world. This is what they said.

A music video for Kareem Salama's "A Land Called Paradise."
Thanks to Poons

Christmas amusements

There was an amusing quiz here, about how many five year olds you could beat in a fight, but it has been hijacked by a dating site and has therefore been removed, sorry about that. Here is some alternative amusement instead:

Elf Yourself
Santa Game
Snowflake information
Christmas Quiz
still bored?
Have a little rave for yourself
( thanks to urban 75)

Happy Christmas!

(And Happy Solstice)

Anti-Christmas Carols 20th December

Click here for more information.

For the last few years we have seditiously gathered in Parliament Square in a wholly illegal demonstration of Christmas cheer, festive joy and religious tolerance, at unlawful carol services organised by blogging activist Tim Ireland over at Bloggerheads. It was so much fun that I wrote about it in my book. All sorts of people from across the political spectrum gathered, stamping their feet and shivering and passing hipflasks, in defiance of the totally stupid Serious Organised Crime and Police Act ( SOCPA) laws which make it unlawful to demonstrate outside the seat of our democracy without a special permit from the police which you have to get a week in advance ( see Mark Thomas' ace Lone Mass demonstrations which saw protesters dutifully trooping down to the police station to apply to demonstrate about a wide variety of causes, from Goth Pride to Send Forth the Gunboats to Down With this Sort of Thing. Pics here)

Anyway, this year we have a twist on proceedings and Tim is hosting an Anti Christmas demonstration. Tim explains ''...this year we will NOT be demonstrating in favour of Christmas without seeking police permission. We will instead be demonstrating against Christmas with police permission... just to be difficult.''

I was a bit sad when I heard about the new plans because I am a big fan of Christmas and I wanted to sing proper carols in defiance of the silly laws without permission, instead of seditious carols with permission. However, I did have a carol singing session the other week in Trafalgar Square with Henry North London and Taking Liberties film director Chris Atkins ( if you haven't got your Taking Liberties book or DVD yet, then they make excellent stocking fillers and can be bought here ( book) and here ( film) from Amazon). I shall do my best to make it, (although it clashes with the pole dancing students Christmas knees up).

The mouse mystery solved?

I knew that fearless mouse we had in the house (RIP) was special, and now I think I know why. Surely it was a genetic supermouse, bred to feel no fear which had escaped from the lab and living wild and free in North London?

It still doesn't explain why Miff is so rubbish though.

Thanks to Justin and Jim for sending this video ( click)

The demise of an unwanted house guest

Since I started blogging again I have had several emails requesting an update on Miff and the shameful mouse saga. (The story started here, and continued here and here.)

As the weeks passed, Miff and the mouse established an uneasy relationship. When the mouse was hiding under the chest or in the walls, Miff would sniff close by and quiver her tail in agitation. When the mouse was actually in full view, and helping itself from her bowl, Miff would run into another room and hide. The mouse had a regular circuit - coming out from the wall by the fireplace, running behind the sofa, trotting through the hall and turning right into the study where it would vanish back into the wall via the cupboard, then re-emerge and scuttle into the sitting room again, zip behind the TV, help itself to food from the cat bowl and then feast on its ill-gotten gains under the chest.

I bought a dozen small 99p mouse traps, baited them daily with a variety of substances - tiny chunks of Snickers bar, ham, cheddar, peanut butter, cat biscuits, (sometimes all at once), and placed them in all the places where the mouse would run, so it had to negotiate an obstacle course of delightful morsels whenever it set off on its travels. I left the traps unset for the first two days, (as per advice that you want the mouse to get used to them and decide that they are safe before you strike). Meanwhile, Miff was put on short rations, so that there were no scraps left for the mouse to steal, and the kitchen was kept squeaky-clean with all food in sealed plastic containers.

The mouse ignored the new food supply and avoided the unset traps, leaping nimbly over the ones behind the sofa and tiptoeing round the one placed in the entrance to its hole in the wall. I set the traps and re-baited them. The next day, the peanut butter and chocolate was gone, two of the traps sprung - but the mouse could still be heard in the walls. Probably laughing at me.

Was this some kind of bionic supermouse? Its brain was small but it was displaying levels of cunning that indicated a worrying evolutionary advantage over poor fat Miff, snoring away on the bed.

I bought larger, more deadly super-traps from the Korean man at the local hardware shop that sells everything you need to wage all-out war on rodents. 'These will kill rats', he assured me, 'very big rats, and squirrels too, if you want.'

The mouse was getting fatter, but it had not yet reached the size of a squirrel. Surely, though it was only a matter of time?

The new traps joined the old traps behind the sofa, behind the TV and in the cupboard. Now the mouse would not be able to jump over them as he ran in the space between the sofa and the wall, unless he was capable of clearing five traps laid end to end in a single bound. (It would not have surprised me, actually, if he had commandeered a toy motorcycle and managed, Evil Kenevil-style to do just that.)

Then we waited.

Late at night, the drama reached its conclusion. Miff had come in from her evening promenade of the garden and was eating her dinner. The mouse was watching her from behind the TV. Emboldened, he began to inch forwards. I watched from the sofa, appalled. Surely Miff wasn't going to let him share her food, or worse still, retreat in defeat?

I took off my slipper and threw it at the mouse in a rage. Miff looked surprised as the slipper landed behind the TV, but carried on eating. There was a vicious-sounding twang and a thwack from amongst the tangle of wires.

I went to investigate. My slipper had startled the mouse, who had jumped out of the way - straight onto the baited Super-Size Rodent Instant Death Trap. The chocolate bait had been hurled into the air and a disgusting smell of mouse gore and poo was emanating from behind the TV. The mouse had been undone.

A dead mouse, recently

I removed his furry corpse, still attached to the trap, showed it to Miff, who expressed no interest, wrapped the dead mouse in newspaper and several plastic bags and put it outside in the dustbin.

When I came back in, Miff was finishing off the chocolate bait and cleaning her paws.

I hope we don't have any more mice invasions, I don't think my nerves can stand it.

The Titanic: the TRUTH at last!

''Welcome to the Unfastened Coins website. This site is dedicated to exposing the truth about the government's involvement in the sinking of the Titanic. Specifically, that they did it (and by "they" I mean Jews)...''

more c/o Maddox. Heh. There's a reason why it's called the best page in the universe....

(For the uninitiated, this is a spoof of 'Loose Change', a risible 9/11 conspiraloony film that has spread across the internet like a rash and can be found here - with rebuttals). More pointing and laughing here, here, here, here, here, here, here and in many other places where reason reigns.)