Saturday, August 25, 2007

Old damn news

God, I had almost forgotten that I wrote this weeks ago, published today. Loads of papers wanted the story, they would not stop asking; in the end I decided to write it myself and so try to let go of it and get some peace. How ironic it feels now reading the standfirst: ''the cruellest test of her life was yet to come''. Being stalked, being raped, being bombed, I would rather all of them than lose my beloved mum.

The wretched bloody stalker woman is appealing the conviction, and before Mum got ill, I was feeling sick and frantic with stress about having to go through the whole trial again. Anyone convicted at the Magistrates Court has the right of appeal, which means a full 3 day retrial with a Crown Court Judge and 2 Magistrates. I am phobic about courts; the rape trial really upset me, I still dream about it. Now, well, hey. The harasser can do what she wants, put me through it all over again, tell her stupid lies to the Judge, have a go at me in the witness stand, whatever. I don't see how it can hurt any worse than it already does.

Of course I am angry and heartsick this week of Mum's death: I ask, I keep asking - why me, why my family, why the devastating hammer blow, yet again? Why do I have to be attacked twice by lunatics, and then tormented by yet another hatefilled stranger, and now lose my mum, all in the space of 5 years?

There is no answer to that, so I will not attempt one.

Anyway: the book is on amazon, and you can get it here, ( click) dear Sunday Times readers who have come here looking for it from the link at the end of the article. Mum was very proud of Out Of The Tunnel. I am sorry that she never got to finish reading it, before she had the stroke, and got so ill. One of the last things she told me to do was to carry on with the book reading, my first. I did it, this Wednesday 22nd August, though she had died that morning. I did it for her.

God dammit. I suppose I should now re-invite everyone to the book launch party that was cancelled before ( Mum's stroke happened the week of the launch). But it is hard to find the energy. It's just hard, full stop, these days. I am so very sad for myself, for my family, for everyone I love. I know this too will pass, but right now it is just awful; this bleakness, this grief. I just have to keep going and get through it. Everyone has to deal with losing people they love and there is a cycle, a rhythm to these things, and eventually the sun will come out again.

I wish I could have a cheerful, peaceful, normal life like I used to have. I wish nobody knew me, nobody wanted to read about me and the horrible things that happen to me. I am ordinary, nobody special, nobody important. I am not a celebrity; I didn't choose this life. I just have a blog, like 73 million other people, and I accidentally walked into the news, one day in July, and I wish I hadn't.


Blogger kelly said...

Hey honey. I am so sorry.
I don't know you and it probably won't mean anything... but I hope (and believe), that things will get better. I am thinking of you.

August 26, 2007 1:12 am  
Blogger Jo said... answers, never any reasons why any of these things happen. As of course you know. You seem to have had a lifetime's share of pain, maybe more than one lifetime, pressed into these five years. And the death of your Mum now...

You'll find the strength hon. You will because you obviously already have it, like the sky continues to be clear and blue even when its obscured by thick clouds. Just because you can't feel it now, and of course it's entirely understandable why you can't at this very difficult and sad moment, doesn't mean it isn't there. Let it arise again - in time, it will.

And the blog? The celebrity thing? You're out there saying things that others can't or won't, expressing things that others feel but can't capture, touching people in what you write. That's more than most can ever hope to do, and it's a powerful thing indeed. If any of it starts to work against you, if it's not what you want or need to do, just stop. At the end of the day, your needs must be uppermost here. But wait a while to explore that, if you feel you want you are understandably at a very low ebb. Wait till the sun comes out again. It will.

(Forgive me for writing so's just that I felt very touched by your words and the place you must be in)

August 26, 2007 1:18 am  
Blogger Sham Aesthetics said...

Rachel, like many others who are probably viewing your blog for the first time, I came across you because of your compelling article published in the Times today. I just wanted to extend my heartfelt wishes for an end to the pain you've been going through for years. It sounds like this woman's conviction will have helped that along at least a bit. Please also accept my condolences on the loss of your lovely mum.

Keep up the good work, and know that there are those of us whom you've never met who will gladly support you however we can.

August 26, 2007 5:11 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel

I just read your article in today's Times and felt compelled to email you.You have an inner strength that is admirable and have demonstrated courage beyond measure in triumphing over adversity.You will continue to be an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others. I have no doubt that your mum was incredibly proud of having such an amazing daughter. Wishing you peace at this difficult time. Love Debs x

August 26, 2007 11:17 am  
Blogger Damo said...

Hi Rachel,
I just read your article in The Sunday Times. I cannot believe one person can have so much happen to her and still remain sane and positive. You are an inspiration. Reading about Felicity Jayne Lowde and what she inflicted on you and others made me sick to my stomach. One can only hope this woman gets her just desserts. This note is to let you know that I am a normal average person out there who speaks for the majority and salutes your bravery and inner strength. Please let some good and happiness come your way now!
Cheers and take care

August 26, 2007 12:02 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In the same vain as the people who have posted their comments above, I, too, have just finished reading your story in the Times and felt compelled to contact you.

The strength you have shown is an absolute inspiration - I can't imagine showing the same courage were I to find myself in your position.

With regards to the Nutso who was quite rightly sentenced to jail - the people who thought it was cruel to send her to jail have obviously never been subjected to that kind of harrassment before.

I wish you nothing but peace and harmony in your future.


August 26, 2007 12:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is NOT a cliche to say, as many people have, that you are an inspiration.
When I am confronted with the downside of life, I shall think of you and pick myself up.
May your future contain all the happiness you deserve.

August 26, 2007 2:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Rachel,

I too would also like to add my thoughts of support and love that are heading in your direction, especially now. Thank you for all that you do. God bless. If there is anything, however simple, that I can ever do to help you in any way, shape or form, joining with others or on my own, in the short or long term, then please get in touch.

August 26, 2007 2:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Rachel
I too have just read your article in the Sunday Times and wanted to send you a message of support. I remember reading the previous piece about the rape and thinking what an extraordinary woman you must be. I cut it out to show my mother and we both agreed how inspirational you were. I am so sorry for all you have been through and that you have now lost your mother on top of it all. But glad you have just got married and hope you can now find some peace and happiness. Will read the book. all best janex

August 26, 2007 4:29 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

Dear Rachel, I too have just read your article in the Sunday Times today (in the Middle East edition here in Dubai)and remembered you from the previous article about you and your dad and felt compelled to send you a message of support considering what a hellish time you must have been going through due to that horrible woman. I'm really sorry to hear that your mother has died. Please believe that people around the world are supporting you and see you as an inspiration. My thoughts are with you and your family.

August 26, 2007 4:36 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

Dear everyone, thank you so very much for the lovely comments, I am lucky indeed to have such wonderful thoughtful support from blog readers. My mother who always read this blog was often amazed and touched by how nice so many commenters are. I have just set up a fundraising page at the suggestion of a reader, and have had several very kind emails. Thank you once again.

August 26, 2007 5:10 pm  
Blogger Payasoru said...

Rachel, I'm a magistrate who also sits on appeals in the Crown Court. Whilst it is true that an appeal against conviction involves a retrial, not a review of the lower court's reasoning, my experience is that judges, being professionals, tend to keep a much firmer grip on things - especially cross examination of witnesses - than we non-professionals manage.
Hopefully it will not be as much of an ordeal as you are fearing.

August 26, 2007 5:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel

You don't deserve any of this and I'm sorry that in some ways your writing has brought you this extra pain - because it is through your writing that you reach out and touch so many people, give us comfort, strength, inspiration, courage.

Words fail us at times like this but I hope it is some comfort to know that you have unknown, warm-hearted readers out here who are wishing you well.


August 26, 2007 8:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just want to echo what others have said. i've just read your article. i won't go on but good luck and keep strong.

August 26, 2007 9:56 pm  
Blogger TN said...




August 27, 2007 2:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great article. Much more importantly - and I don't have any adequate way to express this - wishing you all the best for yourself and your father, above all.

As so many people have said - you are indeed an inspiration!


August 27, 2007 4:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not at all surprising that you feel this way right now, but we, and I believe you, know that, in time, it will pass.

Just think of all the people you have helped, inspired and encouraged, in KCU particularly. We're still with you, Rachel.


August 27, 2007 1:12 pm  
Blogger Penny Pincher said...

I had returned to your blog for some words of wisdom and to see if there is any practical advice re Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I was shocked and sorry to hear of your Mother's death.
So sad. I weep for you. I still miss my mother who died over 40 years ago.

August 30, 2007 5:14 am  
Blogger Rob said...

Sorry to hear about your Mum; and having to deal with fjl again at a time like this must be awful. Chin up, love: we're all rooting for you.

September 22, 2007 12:06 am  

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