Won't somebody please think of the perverts?

From ( but of course) the Daily Mail, and picked up with glee by Not Saussure , Tim Worstall and Devil's Kitchen and Robbie Millen at the Times comes the faint-making tale of how dastardly Tescos are purveying filth, depraved filth I tell you, to the nation's youth and luring children into the sleazy world of pole and lap dancing. It is surely but a short step from buying the Peek-a-boo pole dancing kit and ''unleashing the sex kitten within'', to gyrating naked in front of hordes of baying middle managers on a corporate jolly at Browns. Won't somebody think of the children? pleads the Mail. And bloggers ask, won't somebody think of the perverts?

Dr Adrian Rogers, of family campaigning group Family Focus is certainly in a fulminating froth. He said yesterday that the kit would "destroy children's lives".
"Tesco is Britain's number one chain, this is extremely dangerous. It is an open invitation to turn the youngest children on to sexual behaviour.
"This will be sold to four, five and six-year olds. This is a most dangerous toy that will contribute towards destroying children's innocence."
He added: "Children are being encouraged to dance round a pole which is interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol.
"It ought to be stopped, it really requires the intervention of members of Parliament. This should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children." [my italics]

Yes, indeedy - as Robbie Millen writes:
'' I like the idea of setting up a register of depraved people who are allowed to buy pole-dancing kits and the like. Perhaps, the list could be overseen by a bureaucratic body (let's call it PervCom) which could spend its time deciding what goods or services were suitably depraved. Given strong enough powers, it could save children's innocence from the pernicious influence of folk-dancers who want to groom children into dancing around maypoles.
Or better still. We could set up a register of self-styled, self-appointed family-values campaigners who will be banned from having contact with lazy, quote-hungry Daily Mail journalists...''

It's clearly a simply ghastly state of affairs.

Or is it? Firstly, let us untense our butt cheeks and unpick the story. Let out a deep, shuddering breath. Mmm-hmm, feels go-o-o-od. Shake out your shoulders too, toss your hair, maybe rotate your hips a little before reading on. Yeah, baby. Now you are all relaxed, and ready to free your mind ( whereupon, of course, your ass will follow if we are to believe the disco anthem, and who doesn't?) let us see what is actually going on.

Firstly, the pole dancing kit is clearly marked as a toy for adults. It is only available online, not in stores, so trolley-pushing Mums concerned that young Lianne has not yet developed sufficient poise and athleticism to join the under-eight's netball team won't be tempted to sling in a pole dancing kit along with the turkey dinosaurs and cheeze strings to help daughter get some fun exercise practice at home. Other toys and games available on Tesco's site include the 24 DVD game (24 of course being an adult drama featuring torture, terrorism, maiming and biological/nuclear warfare), the Party Poker gift set and Horse Racing game( gambling, illegal for under 18's, natch) and the Da Vinci Code Board Game ( based on the book and film featuring murder, shagging and heresy). Not all games are for kiddies, see. Grown-ups get to play sometimes too. Anyway, the Peek-a-boo pole dancing kit has now been moved to 'Fitness Accessories' in Sport and Leisure.

It must be said that as a fitness accessory the Peek-a-boo pole dancing kit is rubbish. You can't swing or climb on the pole, using your upper body strength to hold your weight in poses or hang off one arm or one leg whilst you spin; you can't do handstands against it or throw your legs up and hang upsidedown and if you try to do more than wander round it, wiggling a bit, it will fall over. (All the above moves, which require a lot of strength and grace and training, are reasons why pole-dancing classes are amongst the fastest-growing, most-demanding fitness/dance classes in the UK today.)

Forget the Peek-a-boo kit, if you want exercise, you might as well go and do some lunges and squats. Wearing high heels, if you want the extra balance challenge. If you want to work up a sweat in the bedroom, go stick on some high energy music and dance about in your best pants, then slip 'em off at the end and whirl them round your head. Woo! Fun, but not for all the family.

Anyway, parents (and perverts) can relax. Our nation's children are safer today, (though if your daughter swings round a lamp-post on the way to the playground, or dances along to Beyonce on MTV whilst you make up her lunch box, you may want to pop into your local police station and report yourself, just in case.)