Search for the Hero inside yourself
Woke up to a cold sunny morning and a red wine-induced headache. Slouched about watching Soccer AM, ate cold pizza, and wasted time doing some quizzes online. Very slowly. I played What failed Celebrity Couple Are you? ( Brad and Jen) and How Wicked Gay Are You? ( Anne Heche).
Thus passed half an hour until the paracetamol kicked in.
My favourite was What Marvel Superheroine Are You? I am Jean Grey, (pictured) apparently. Now I thought I knew enough about X Men characters to hold my own in a conversation about why Rogue should get off with Wolverine, not Gambit, ( I have only had this conversation once, I promise) - but I realise now that I have so much to learn. Just reading Jean Grey's biog was exhausting. Her life seems to have been indescribably, fiendishly complex. Typical extract...
'While Jean had been in suspended animation Scott had married Madelyne Pryor, a clone of Jean created by Mr Sinister. Eventually Pryor went mad, developed vast powers, and became known as the Goblin Queen. The Goblin Queen died in combat with Jean.
Some years later, Scott finally married the real Jean Grey. During their honeymoon, however, their spirits were transported two millennia into an alternate future and were placed in new bodies by the Askani cult...'
Utterly bonkers. Still, her superpowers are cool:
Known Superhuman Powers: Jean Grey is a mutant who possesses telekinetic abilities enabling her to levitate and manipulate living beings and inanimate objects psionically. Jean Grey also possessed telepathic powers enabling her to read minds, project her thoughts into the minds of others, and stun the minds of opponents with telepathic "mental bolts."
Tragically, I became completely fascinated at this point ( yes, too much red wine at lunchtime yesterday for colleague's birthday, followed by more red wine at home has made me what I am today: a greasy- haired bathrobe-wearing sloth who now has an unhealthy interest in comic book characters. Am I channelling a teenage boy?)
I began to browse the directory of other Marvel characters. They really did hit some low points over the years. Angar The Screamer, anyone?
Former 'social activist' from, ooh, San Fransisco, 'Angar possesses the ability to vocally emit piercing screams that can create convincing, seemingly tangible hallucinations in anyone who hears his voice. His screams sonically stimulate the chemicals of the brain, creating natural toxins that induce hallucinations'.
I can't work out whether this is satire, tongue in cheek campery or just reactionary lunacy. Groovy fringed jacket and boots though. Shame about the visible briefs line.
And poor old Ant-Man's powers are totally rubbish.
'Ant-Man possesses the power to reduce himself to size of an ant. '
I read Ant-Man's story. It didn't work out for him. He lost custody of his daughter to his ex-wife, joined Heroes for Hire, and was sadly 'incinerated' in a fight.
Even superheroes get dealt a bad hand every now and again. Dorky powers, unflattering costumes, accidentally getting incinerated when ant-size. This is oddly comforting. Who would want to be a superhero? Reacting to one crisis after another. Not me. There is much to be said for the charm of cold pizza, indolence and sofa-based torpor, without the world needing to be saved all the damn time.