Monday, September 26, 2005

Checking in

'Just checking in before I go to work. The warm hazy gentle September days continue. The last of the tomatoes are to be picked tonight. The source of the mysterious leak in the bathroom has been discovered. The cat is on a diet, hates it, but is losing some weight. I've got another cold, not really helped by going out a lot after work - there have been bonding nights with new colleagues and friend's birthdays and my lifestyle feels a bit too heavy on the wine and light on the fruit and vegetables. And on the sleep. Mood: reflective or frantically busy. I've only had 2 days out of the last 8 when I felt miserable or angry or haunted, and that wasn't for the whole day.

Will write more later.'

I wrote that before I set off for work, feeling guilty that I hadn't checked in for a few days. It's kind of true. The tendency to self-censor is still there.
I've been going out frantically because I don't want to think about what's going on and what I am feeling - or not feeling - and that's why I've been jumping on any social occasion that involves meeting people and having a drink socially. Ha ha ha, tra la la. Smiley smiley, cheers, *clink*. I've been shrugging off all enquiries as to my general heath becuase I don't want to admit that there's anything wrong. When I am in, I have found myself slumped and staring into space. Or sleeping for hours. On Saturday I spent the whole day asleep. Got up at 5pm. Went to bed again at 10pm. I did that last weekend too. On Sunday I slept all morning and then did nothing all afternoon apart from sit on the sofa and stare int space. I didn't even shower (after Friday morning) until Sunday night.

I can blame it on yet another cold. But I think I'm getting borderline depressed. Everything is such a massive effort. I'm either running away from it and distracting myself, which is exhausting, or I'm flumped on the sofa Fingers in ears lalalala. Which is also exhausting.

Bollocks to this. I think I might have to admit defeat and go and get some counselling after all.
I emailed some 7/7 trauma organisation today to see if they can help; with plumbing disasters, redecoration, shelves and Christmas and a massive mortgage - and daily work taxis to pay for - because it's getting worse again on the tube - I can't afford the shrink-rap as well.


Blogger Beth said...

Hi Rachel

For what its worth, I'd definitely recommend getting counselling.

I'm going and to be honest, what I'm going for looks so trivial compared to what you're going through.

The final point for me was when I started crying at 9am at work and by 11am I still hadn't stopped.

I'm only 2 weeks in, but I feel more positive about things already. Its extremely theraputic talking to a total stranger about your problems. I can't really explain why, but I think its that you just don't feel like they're placating you in the same way a friend would.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you start to feel better soon.


September 26, 2005 6:19 pm  
Blogger Clive Scoggins said...

Yes, counselling is fantastic. I too went for something that seems incredibly minor compared to you. I had left it a tad late, and stress was starting to seriously affect my physical as well as mental health.

Only three counselling sessions helped me so much. Completely changed my perspective on certain aspects of Life.

September 27, 2005 9:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel,
Why is it admitting defeat to say to the world that you can't cope? You've made a very public "admission of defeat", but this is how you feel and we can't all fix things on our own, whether it be a car, a shelf or our own emotions and feelings. I know you haven't been defeated, you go out, go to work, meet friends and write to tell us how you feel.

You have made a big step in realising and saying that you need help - after your experiences it is totally understandable. I have friends and family who say they would worry about using the tube, or even visiting London because "you never know". I visit a customer very infrequently and the next time I travel from Kings Cross to Vauxhaul I'm sure there will be a sense of dread and worry at best. The difference between you and us is that you went through it but carry on. The closest we got was to see it on television, but it's changed us as well - so who is it that has been defeated?

I would say it's the bombers. We have all been affected, but carry on, by helping and supporting each other, saying how you feel and asking how others feel - changed, but stronger and better, and maybe more fragile as well.

You do give me/us a feeling that we are all human, with our faults and frailties and that really, this is all quite normal.

So, what can you do to help? We can read what you tell us and offer our words of support, sympathy and encouragement in return, for as long as you want us. If you ever want or need more then make sure you tell us, please.


September 27, 2005 9:57 am  
Blogger frexi said...

We are starting to come round to the idea that councelling might be necessary too. Joe is tired all the time too and we both keep loosing things, keys, credit cards etc. It sounds minor but is wearing.

September 27, 2005 10:21 am  
Anonymous jan-clare said...

Hi Rachel
What a courageous and generous woman you are! I have dropped in intermittently since the beginning to see how you are getting on, and am constantly inspired by the way you write and your willingness to carry on. It must be such a relief to many of your readers to see that recovery from such a trauma is not quite like what's shown on TV where people just carry on as if nothing happened.

Real life is not like that, and as far as I can tell you are responding completely normally to the events you experienced. Depression is only one of the effects. Emotional exhaustion is only to be expected when you have to keep facing such challenges.

I have had had a go at counselling from both sides - starting as client and subsequently as "expert" (huh!). Talking to a professional usually helps - you do not need to keep up your "public" face, and you do not need to hold your fears alone. You seem to be an unusually competent and capable person, and it is often more difficult for people of this type to admit that help might be useful. My guess from the insight and awareness you show in your blogs is that you will be able to use the sessions really effectively.

Make a claim for the financial help available, and remember that calling on a counsellor/therapist is no different from calling a plumber or gas engineer or accountant to do the things you can't manage by yourself. It just isn't very "British"!!!!!!

All good fortune to a very special person.

September 28, 2005 3:15 pm  
Blogger Leigh said...

Hi Rachel,
I know what it's like to go out partying to avoid what's really bothering you. Problem is, it always comes back to bite you in the arse.

No matter how much you don't want to think about things, avoiding them only makes it worse (I am the queen of emotional avoidance--it's not a good thing)

Cheer up & fight the good fight. Okay, enough of unasked for advice. I really like your blog & will definitely check back.

Take care of yourself.

September 28, 2005 3:41 pm  
Anonymous seth said...

hi rachel,

sorry i havent responded to the last couple of posts...i have moved to a new flat (oops..apartment in the u.s.) and have over 100 emails that have piled up.

i agree with all the other comments..please...consider it formal or informal..

take care and ill drop in again soon....seth :)

September 29, 2005 2:59 am  
Blogger Rachel said...

Thanks everyone, you've really helped again.

What nice people I have popping into my blog!

I have not got the counselling sorted yet but I did call to make an appointment for an assessment

and I will write more later because there is some more news I'd like to share with you all.

September 29, 2005 6:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Rachel

Hope you find the assessment appointment goes well for you.

Give Miff a stroke for me, hope the diet's going okay for her! And I hope you start feeling better soon.


September 30, 2005 3:01 pm  
Blogger Clare said...

Hi Rachel,

Please let us know how you get on with your appointment and as Nicky said, hope Miff is getting on okay with her diet :).


September 30, 2005 8:41 pm  

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