Monday, October 17, 2005

Lights will guide you home

I have barely been able to listen to music since the bomb. I can just about manage it in the background of a restaurant or bar, but to sit with concentration and allow myself to feel the beauty of a melody, to be touched by a perfect chord is too damn painful.

However, recently I have started to use music as part of the grieving process. There is one song that is currently in the charts by Coldplay, called 'Fix You'. it almost destroys me to hear it. I am completely unable to listen to it without crying. It is played several times a day on the radio, it is everywhere you go, and I have to struggle with myself whenever I hear it.

Tonight, I decided to listen to it with full attention, and just allow my feelings to surface. To let the music in, and not to fight it anymore. I have just played it three times, and each time has provoked a storm of grief. Real howling weeping, not sniffling; I have lifted up my face, twisted by grief, and the tears have flowed and I have sobbed. It is the second time I have cried properly since the bombs.

Even though I don't normally listen to Coldplay, when I hear this I think of us, Kings Cross United, and all the people from the train, struggling down the tunnel, lit by dim lights, trying to find safety. I think of the rescuers running with torches into the smokey tunnel , not knowing if there were more bombs, or a chemical attack awaiting them, just running anyway, to find scenes of unimaginable horror. Finding the injured and dying and trying their best to 'fix' them.

Of all those who can't sleep. Of all the tears streaming down people's faces.
Of those who did not come home. Of those lost who cannot be replaced.

I thought some of you might want to see and hear the song if you don't know it. For me it is the Kings Cross United anthem. Listening to it is the only time I can cry, but I realise now how I need to cry to get through this. Most of the time I am numb. I have to be, to cope with it all and still go to work. As the shock fades, the grief is too disabling to deal with. I have to let myself cry when there is time, when I have strength to face it, when it is safe to let go.

Here is a link

Chris Martin, the singer, is actually in a railway tunnel in the video, and then outside Kings Cross, so it is especially poignant, I didn't realise this until I watched the video just now.
And here are the words.

Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face I
promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.


Blogger Leigh said...

Thank you for the link--I listened to it & it's a beautiful song.

Funny how we associate different events in our lives to certain music or smells. Since Hurricane Katrina, I have not been able to listen to any of my favorite New Orleans jazz or blues without bursting into tears, wondering if I'll ever get home & if it will ever be the same.

The only Louisiana music that has not made me cry over Nawlins is Zydeco. It's just got too much of a good beat to cry to it!

October 17, 2005 9:53 pm  
Blogger Mimi NY said...

Hello, tried to email you but it bounced back for some odd reason. i would love contacts, but more I would love ideas on what to pitch as my brain has rotted recently....

what are you up to? Writing going on?

October 17, 2005 10:53 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hi Leigh,

I am sorry that you are sad about New Orleans music.

I can't listen to Cajun music now either; it always made me blue t the best of time sand now it makes me turn into a *boiled owl straight away

*english expression for what you look like after a huge weepathon

Hi Mimi, I was just posting up some more stuff about writing.

I am having a career crisis. Do I do this writing lark? Can I write about anything other than my train exploding? Am I destined to be bomb survivor lady for the rest of my writing life?

So far done Sunday Times, ( 2k) , Grazia ( 2k - that's WORDS, not pounds) and am about to embark on the Standard. They all want a different angle. And there are mutterings about a book.

email ( allone word) is rachel on the ( what you and I swing on) at hotmail dot co dot united kingdom.

I can do pitching ideas brainstorm with you, if you get on messenger. Maybe not tonight though as my brain is mush and tomorrow I have to go to Norwich to see my dad and I have just taken a sleeping tablet. Not clever with Guinness, but lack of sleep is making me mentale mentale

October 17, 2005 11:26 pm  
Blogger Beth said...

You know, whenever I hear that Coldplay song I want to cry too, but thats for more "god I hate this band" reasons ;0)

I'm glad you've found comfort in something and that you've been able to allow music back into your life again. I can't imagine mine without it.


October 18, 2005 8:34 am  
Blogger Clare said...

I didn't realise the tunnel in the Fix You video was near Kings Cross. It's one of my favourite songs at present and I can totally see why it would make you cry. Chris Martin has that emotion in his voice that makes the words of the song even more poignant imo.

October 18, 2005 10:23 am  
Blogger Rachel said...

Beth, that made me luugh. Normally I can't stand Coldplay either. I don't know why I am so haunted by that song.

It was played 7 times in the office today. I am getting better. After the huge crying frenzy yesterday I managed to stay put at my desk without rushung to the ladies or rushing out for a fag.

Kind of like aversion therapy, if I play it enough I'll be able to deal with it.

Or maybe it was just that I was so indescribaly busy that I might as well have been nailed to the desk all damn day.

It is a lovely song though Clare, much their best I think, and at the end of the video when everyone in the crowd sings it back is really moving.

October 18, 2005 11:46 pm  
Blogger Beth said...

I'm glad I could make you laugh Rachel! I think the song haunts you because its relevant.

I often get that feeling - when things are hard for me (which is often at the moment) I'll hear a song and there will be something in the lyrics that strikes a chord (bad pun..I know).

My take is that its a subconscious way that we feel understood...almost as if the person writing the song empathises with whats happening to us without even having met us.

October 19, 2005 8:26 am  
Blogger mike said...

Coldplay have always left me, well, cold - but something tells me I'm going to react differently next time I hear this song.

December 08, 2005 4:14 pm  

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