Lights will guide you home

I have barely been able to listen to music since the bomb. I can just about manage it in the background of a restaurant or bar, but to sit with concentration and allow myself to feel the beauty of a melody, to be touched by a perfect chord is too damn painful.

However, recently I have started to use music as part of the grieving process. There is one song that is currently in the charts by Coldplay, called 'Fix You'. it almost destroys me to hear it. I am completely unable to listen to it without crying. It is played several times a day on the radio, it is everywhere you go, and I have to struggle with myself whenever I hear it.

Tonight, I decided to listen to it with full attention, and just allow my feelings to surface. To let the music in, and not to fight it anymore. I have just played it three times, and each time has provoked a storm of grief. Real howling weeping, not sniffling; I have lifted up my face, twisted by grief, and the tears have flowed and I have sobbed. It is the second time I have cried properly since the bombs.

Even though I don't normally listen to Coldplay, when I hear this I think of us, Kings Cross United, and all the people from the train, struggling down the tunnel, lit by dim lights, trying to find safety. I think of the rescuers running with torches into the smokey tunnel , not knowing if there were more bombs, or a chemical attack awaiting them, just running anyway, to find scenes of unimaginable horror. Finding the injured and dying and trying their best to 'fix' them.

Of all those who can't sleep. Of all the tears streaming down people's faces.
Of those who did not come home. Of those lost who cannot be replaced.

I thought some of you might want to see and hear the song if you don't know it. For me it is the Kings Cross United anthem. Listening to it is the only time I can cry, but I realise now how I need to cry to get through this. Most of the time I am numb. I have to be, to cope with it all and still go to work. As the shock fades, the grief is too disabling to deal with. I have to let myself cry when there is time, when I have strength to face it, when it is safe to let go.

Here is a link

Chris Martin, the singer, is actually in a railway tunnel in the video, and then outside Kings Cross, so it is especially poignant, I didn't realise this until I watched the video just now.
And here are the words.

Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face I
promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.