Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Book launch cancelled again

The book launch party planned for July which was cancelled because Mum got ill the week the book came out, was then reinstated for tomorrow, but it has been cancelled again, sorry. It feels too soon to have a party; Mum only died a fortnight ago, and the funeral was on Friday. It seems like a long time ago, and also no time at all.

I have been frantically cleaning out the flat, which has got into a mess because J and I have been so frantically busy ever since - well - before the wedding in April. Piles of stuff has accumulated everywhere. Paper, clothes, junk, ornaments, post-it notes... it got so bad that I couldn't have anyone round because it was all such a mess. Every where was clean ( ish) but it was just clutter, clutter everywhere. I threw away/recycled 6 binbags of junk and old clothes.

The study is now somewhere I can work in again without feeling overwhelmed with stress. The bedroom drawers are still broken but at least you can shut most of them without them exploding. We need new furniture but it is ridiculously expensive. Even crap stuff which falls apart is expensive. I will reglue the drawers together, now they are no longer bulging with ratty T shirts and heavy jeans they might stay in one piece.

When I had cleared everything up and out, I looked about and it looked lovely. For a heartbeat I thought ' Ooh, I'll ring Mum, she'll be really pleased. She can come and visit and I won't be ashamed'. And then I remembered. Crash. Reality.

This is what it is like. Wierd, and sad, and awful. I hate it. I hate waking up and remembering she's gone.

BWBD ( a group of authors who have blogs) sent a most beautiful bunch of flowers to Norwich - roses and lillies and fresias - all my favourites, all Mum's favourites - and I took them back to London and they are still lovely, still scenting the whole flat with perfume. Then I found out that they had planted a tree for her as well, and that they still have some extra donated money too, which is to go to one of her favourite charities. I cried because people were so kind.

I am overwhelmed by people's extraordinary kindness. So many messages, so many cards, it is humbling and it is honouring and Mum would have been so proud and touched, as am I.

Another act of kindness: Mike Rouse, ( who made the Find FJL buttons) has made some more blog buttons for Out of the Tunnel, and he is kindly hosting them, so anyone can put them on their blogs, if they want to.
They look like this,
out of the tunnel book advert
or there is a big one as well.

When we do eventually have this book launch party, there will be a lot of people whom I want to give a big hug too.

But for now I will just say thank you again.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Joanna Young said...

Rachel, any small acts and words of kindness are just our way of trying to express our own feeling: of sadness for you, of frustration that you've had so much to deal with, of hope that you will continue to find strength in your writing (as you give us such strength as you write)

With all best wishes

Joanna

September 05, 2007 11:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rachel

A practical idea may be to join your local freecycle group and to put a 'wanted' post up for a chest of drawers. You will be surprised how many offers you get.

Very sorry to hear about your Mum on top of everything else. I'm thinking about you.

September 06, 2007 9:02 am  
Blogger Solaris said...

Yes, the grief sneaks up on you. I guess because it hurts, the conscious mind tries to avoid it when it can. Which leaves you prone to 'I'll just ring Mum' moments. So sorry hon. Those moments of brutal surprise will fade - you will keep her bright in your memory and your love, but the conscious mind will gradually absorb it, store it, and these horrid 'penny drop' moments will lessen.

Glad you've cleared out your stuff. Cathartic. I write from my study with half painted filing cabinets and mess everywhere. Grrrr.

September 06, 2007 10:37 am  
Blogger Henry North London said...

Im even worse

I have a spare bedroom and its full of junk and rubbish because I was still doing up the shed ( doing the floor and the reinforcements so it wont get broken into)

I havent done anything since April and its an utter tip

relax... And freecycle is a fabulous idea I've got rid of curtain rails and allsorts on it and picked up a lovely leather briefcase and a few other bits too

We all wish you love because you have shown us love and for that we are grateful I guess. Quid pro quo as they say If you give it out it comes back in spades.

September 06, 2007 11:25 am  
Anonymous Letters From A Tory said...

It must take a lot of energy to live your life sometimes, and I have a lot of respect for that. Best wishes.

September 06, 2007 2:15 pm  
Blogger Ally said...

Hi Rachel, I have only just caught up with your news and I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Thinking of you, belatedly.
xx

September 06, 2007 2:26 pm  
Anonymous rivergirlie said...

there'll be an orderly queue of people wanting to hug you too. take very good care
x

September 06, 2007 10:30 pm  
Blogger ladyorlando said...

Rachel,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I put one of the buttons on my blog, hope it will help with the sales!

Wish you all the best!

September 06, 2007 11:39 pm  
Blogger lady thinker said...

Sorry that the book launch was postponed again - but undertandable with all you have had to cope with.
I'm 3/4 way through 'Out of the Tunnel' and will attempt to post some kind of review. But am not sure I'll be able to do the book justice it deserves.
Saw you on the news tonight - you looked lovely - no wonder your Mother proud of you.. Big HUG.

September 08, 2007 12:05 am  
Blogger Simon Clark - Formerly The Cynical Libertarian said...

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I hope your book launch goes well when it happens.

September 09, 2007 10:14 pm  

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