On a more positive note...

My Christmas tree is finally up. It looks fantabulous and scents the room with sweet woody pine resin. For the last eleven years I have had 'Bring A Bottle and a Bauble' parties. I reccommend them as a genius way to get the Christmas season off to a great start. You buy your tree and stick the lights on it, stick music on, get the twiglets out and the mulled wine on, get out your pathetic box of last year's bashed baubles and let your guests express themselves with artistry, alcohol, decorations that they have brought with them. Your tree gets decorated, your guests get creative and bond with each other as they fiddle with each other's balls, the party has a theme and a centrepiece and all you have to do is coo appreciation and pass round mince pies.

I now have a massive box of baubles and happy memories from all my guests of the last decade, and although I didn't have the party this year, getting out all the stuff made me feel choked up but in a good way.

I have been more or less unable to deal with Christmas this year, couldn't get excited about it at all, though normally I adore it. This year it felt like a series of chores and lists to get through and the present buying felt pointless and even schmaltzy Christmas music set me off in a downward spiral. Any proper carols left me in floods. All the sentiments of peace on earth, hope, joy, when it felt like we were reaching the end of a year of horrible bloodshed and hate and death and war, led by men who claim to be godly, but know so little of compassion, of peace. Who seem, in fact, to want a world at permanent war. That both fighting sides say they do it for 'God' and 'freedom' and 'justice' as they murder and main is more than I can stand, most of the time, and right now, it leaves me in shreds.

We bought a tree and it sat outside in a bucket of water in the yard for over a week, because we had not time to dress it and I couldn't face it. I am never like this normally. I don't know what the matter is with me. Well, clearly I do, but it is all very distressing.

Anyway, now the tree is up, and I am weepy but calm. And for the first time ever, J and I are doing Christmas by ourselves, instead of going to Norfolk and Preston and Kent and having three Christmasses with 3 familes, in ten days, all done on public transport, with Miff the cat in a box on my lap *( we don't have a car). It has been a hell of a year, and J and I are desperate for peace, if not peace on earth, at least peace in North London. I will miss seeing my family, but I very badly need to rest and spend time with my honey, I am exhausted.

I am looking forward to finishing work on Wednesday and finally calming down and having some time to myself. I can't wait.

Of course, carol-singing is an important part of Christmas, and even though it will have me in floods like a boiled owl this year, especially when we sing Amazing Grace, I urge you to join us if you can make it, in Parliament Square on Wednesday this week at 6pm. It's important to protect these traditions, beloved of us all in this country for a thousand years. Now more than ever.